Voices of Women

Shortlink http://wp.me/piWoH-8Z

As bullies are escalating their attempts to silence women who dare to challenge the status quo (including domestic violence as justifiable), it is increasingly important for women to pass on their legacy of social conscience. Speaking out in public forums is important, but passing on our history in the written word is also essential.

March is both women’s history month and literacy month. Please post comments/reviews about books written by women that you believe should be shared. I am also interested in books that you could read to children with women in leadership roles. As I am able, I will both post your reviews, and make sure that they are available in accessible format for Bookshare.org, an online library for those with print disabilities.

Cake Eaters

Shortlink: http://bit.ly/zdOM7Q

Bullies believe they are entitled to whatever they can take. My Ex, a narcissist from a multi-generational narcissistic patriarchy, used to boast that scholarship students to his Jesuit prep school called him “cake-eater” because his family had connections and money. I learned, too late, that my Ex’s father purposely nurtured a sense of Vicious Entitlement in all of his sons.

Despite many of my own family’s roots dating back to the time of the signing of the Declaration of Independence, my Ex’s father’s purported genealogical superiority (as the son of an Italian judge of Cook County in the 1920′s) was his justification for unprovoked vicious entitlement attacks on my character and person.

My mother brought me up to believe that the contrasting “E”, that is, Empathy, is the essential characteristic of moral beings. I’m so appreciative that these empathy lessons that enabled me to become a psychologist. Too late, I learned that my father’s subtle put-downs of my mother collided with her empathy training, and destined me to subconsciously seek out a man who would put me down in similar ways my father did to my mother.

The descent into domestic abuse is usually a gradual but slippery slope. Once children are born, it becomes increasingly difficult to escape an abuser’s clutches. Often, the choice is to escape and abandon the children, or try to fend off the abuse as much as possible until the children are grown. Knowing of the biases against women during divorce with minor children,I did not feel I had a choice to leave before my youngest had his 18th birthday.

As the abuse intensified, I tried harder to find the right words to placate him, to please him. For too long, I believed that if only I thought of just the right words, my (now) Ex would “get it,” would understand and begin true reciprocity in a healthy relationship.

Domestic abusers will always claim it is the victim’s fault that they are abused. My Ex would secretly borrow and compulsively squander retirement monies, but it was always my fault that our credit cards were maxed out because I did not give him more of the money from my practice (paying for ALL of the private nanny’s salary and allowing him to spend ALL of my practice draws were apparently not enough).

I wrote this piece (below) without expectation that I would ever make it public. I wrote it a few years after my then-husband broke his promise, refusing to “try for a girl” after we had three sons. His abuse escalated, as did his compulsive squandering of money. I was powerless to stop his payoffs to an extortionist contractor, and every attempt I made to stem the hemorrhaging of monies I’d borrowed to pay for my office addition was met with escalated sabotage against my practice. “We” lost over $100,000 due to my Ex’s repeated gamble that at least one more extortion payment would finish the addition. My punishment for my Ex’s misplaced belief in compromising with bullies was to be forced to live in the house with an addition that was never completed. My Ex repeatedly drew our sons into his accusations that the deteriorated, dissipated house condition was somehow my fault. I don’t know if I can ever repair the damage done to my sons.

I do not pretend to have the sophistication of schooled poets. However, if my sharing of my private grief could help even one person escape the clutches of narcissism, of vicious attacks by a domestic abuser, then it is worth the risk of sharing.

Cake Eater

Lineage guaranteed
Your three Comforts in old age
Now shooting blanks
Running on empty
No more comforts, nothing left for me.

In your grief
You pull away
Shut me out
Broken promises
It’s always my fault.

O seeker of solace, of friendship
Your mind poisoned by those who would silence my voice
In your anger you strike out
Break my heart
Kick me down and away.

You hold onto every thing past and present
Except my heart, my spirit
Seizing all I’ve created
Littering everything with token remnants
Reminders of your anger, isolation and despair.

Unresolved grief
Brick wall shuts me out
Teamwork and love are dead
Growing tsunami
My heart, my spirit overboard
All lifeboats are gone
Drowning in isolated tears.

© 2001-2012 by Jeanne Beckman. All rights reserved

Surviving Winter With Memories of Happier Times

Shortlink: http://bit.ly/wy4Lpl

It is the end of February, time to plan my garden, which used to be a great source of joy and compliments until my abusive Ex destroyed both the garden and any new connections between our three sons and myself. When one parents children with an abuser, there is never complete escape from the abuse.

I am reminded of my garden during the past summer, and so I want to share my story of the beginning of reframing memories of abuse with memories and reminders of the  joy that my Ex can never steal.

Original posted on my other bully blog: Unitedagainstbullies.blogspot.com

Finding Joy as a Respite from Bullying

This morning, I longingly looked out the window at my poor garden, overgrown with five-foot tall weeds. The weeds are so pervasive, it is difficult to see the pink and white stargazer lilies, blue balloon flowers, and purple coneflowers that have somehow hidden themselves from the voracious deer’s nightly feeding frenzies. And then, I saw it. An emerald glimmer of beauty darting from one orange lily to another. A tiny hummingbird, and then a florescent yellow goldfinch, visiting my garden which only moments before seemed hopelessly, irretrievably choked off from anything resembling its former self as a source of joy.

I remember how this garden evolved. When my sons were small, I would tend this garden after work as my boys played in the front yard and sidewalk. This garden was always known as “Mom’s garden” and it grew like my sons: starting out as dreams hatched while poring over January’s blitz of garden catalogs, then planting the tiny bulbs, seeds, and plants, full of promise of what they would become. Despite my organic battles with slugs, rabbits, chipmunks, and squirrels, despite my battles with the school district to provide appropriate educations for my sons, despite my desperate entreaties to prevent my husband from compulsively borrowing yet more money to buy his custom-made shirts while continuing to pay off a corrupt contractor bent on cheating us with an addition that would never be completed, my garden and my sons grew into sources of great joy. I allowed myself to feel pride as my neighbors would compliment me on my garden, bursting with color and surprise pockets of flowers that enticed Monarchs, hummingbirds, and goldfinches. I allowed myself pride as my growing sons achieved in school, sports, and Boy Scouts. Ashamed of my inability to have a home life like my neighbors, I hid my efforts to single-handedly rebuild the kitchen, to patch kicked in doors, to save money while he went off on expensive “guys only” scuba trips to Bonaire, and to fend off his verbal detritus of never being “good-enough.”

And so, the festering winter of family dysfunction and divorce that had gradually sneaked into my life took over like dandelions in a yard during vacation. Shoved out, locked out, starved out, and cut off from adequate funds to defend myself in court and to pay my obligations, my garden and my relationships with my sons lay fallow. Occasional fleeting pockets of past joy would peek out as perennial flowers or furtive get-togethers with my sons tried to push their way through the choking weeds of dysfunction to sparkle in the sun before being stomped down by a neighbor’s dog-do or a nasty Narcissistic communication from the Ex.

How can it still be such a Siberian winter when it is ninety degrees outside? Even though my ex took essentially everything, the Courts still seem bent on perpetuating, bent on enabling the continued denial of equal treatment, denying due process to those who, like me, do not have funds to fend off scorched earth divorce tactics. Friends ask how this could happen, aren’t there laws to protect women in 26 year marriages? Aren’t there domestic abuse laws? Aren’t there laws preventing him from taking essentially all of the assets and retirement funds? What about the contributions I made to the marriage? How can the Court allow the father of my children to get away with taking everything, to get away with continued coercion & extortion, to get away with enforcing an unconscionable agreement forced upon me after continually denying me time and funds to hire adequate representation to protect my rights in court?

I only know that our legal system has become so inaccessible to those who don’t have deep pockets to fend off abusive legal maneuvers that innocent people, coerced into confessions by the John Burges of the world, sit on death row awaiting vindication. I only know that the Goldman Sachs of the country can avoid admitting guilt as they pay a fine that is a mere pittance of the funds they stole. I only know that students with diverse learning needs only get an adequate education if their parents can afford private tutoring. I only know that women who are abused are only protected if they have their own deep pockets, their own funds to hire top-notch legal teams complete with public relations savvy.

I have come to believe that protective laws without adequate enforcement are worse than no laws at all. Reasonable people believe that, because there are protective laws, if a spouse is denied an equal share of the marital estate or a suspect is convicted of a crime, then it must be due to clear-cut fault or guilt. Claims of coercion are ignored and lives are forever ruined. Only if reasonable people, such as the Innocence Project at Northwestern, persevere to challenge the John Burges of the world, are convictions overturned, but many lives are forever ruined because of our two-tiered system of justice. Most of those who are cheated out of justice in divorce courts are told their only choice is to walk away and start over. Corrupt divorce lawyers, pockets bulging with family assets seized through churning cases, are never reported and move on to the next case.

Unfortunately, my ex is apparently not done with me yet. It seems he will not be satisfied until he has kept his promise to make me destitute and not satisfied unless I am homeless. He continues to use his attorneys to prevent me from reclaiming what belonged to me, to refuse to uphold his end of the unconscionable agreement, and continue his legalized harassment.

However, I also know that in the middle of this July day, this ninety degree winter of domestic abuse, I found a fleeting pocket of joy today. As I longingly looked out the window at my poor garden, overgrown with five-foot tall weeds, I saw that fleeting pocket of joy. The weeds are so pervasive, it is difficult to see the pink and white stargazer lilies, blue balloon flowers, and purple coneflowers that have somehow hidden themselves from the voracious deer’s nightly feeding frenzies. Right there, I saw it. An emerald glimmer of beauty darting from one orange lily to another. A tiny hummingbird, and then a florescent yellow goldfinch, visiting my garden which only moments before seemed hopelessly, irretrievably choked off from anything resembling its former self as a source of joy.

I must remind myself to nurture my garden, to hold onto those fleeting pockets of joy in relationships, and realize that, despite my current life of destitution, I AM capable of new ways to nurture healthy relationships with my sons, of creating things of beauty, and giving to others to make this world a better place.

They always ask, “Why do women keep silent about domestic abuse?”

Short link: http://wp.me/piWoH-51

There are multiple media events that will send me into a funk these days. I get in a funk when I see mainstream media using 24/7 replays of sneering politicians and pompous Supreme Court justices smearing women who dare to speak the truth about the boorish, reportable sexual harassment.

I get in a funk when I read media questions asking why women don’t report domestic violence events. The fundamental dishonesty of the reporting media in both types of instances does tremendous harm, not only in the present to women, but to those who dare to stand up, to blow the whistle on dishonesty, fraud, and other cruelties.

We know that murdered Nicole Simpson reported OJ’s abuse multiple times, but the police refused to file a report. I also have attempted to report the abuse of my Ex multiple times to the police, to the states attorney, and others. They either tell me to take it up with my judge, or worse, they tell me I’m just being vindictive, “sore” because I am unhappy with my divorce settlement. They knowingly refuse to report the abuse of the perpetrator. I’m told I should just move on with my life, but how? They gave him everything and then some.

So why do I personally still get into such a funk? I have worked to get past the overwhelming shame of admitting that I put up with domestic abuse for over 20 years, because I was afraid my Ex would destroy my career and my relationship with my children if I tried to divorce him while my children were young. Based on how the divorce played out, my fears were well-founded.

I waited until my youngest went away to college to file for divorce, not knowing that the Cook County divorce system was so corrupt that my Ex could steal everything, yet the system would blame me, the victim of his physical, emotional, and financial abuse. The abuse continues to intensify two years after I was forced to sign over  more than half of the 401k account to my then-husband’s attorneys under threat of incarceration, and forced to sign the marital agreement (giving him essentially the rest of the retirement assets) under threat of murder.

I struggle to get past the funk of failing to find the “right” words that will get the media to notice that not just my family, but families across our country are being destroyed every day because of the greed of corruption, people in power who are too afraid to speak out, and media refusal to expose the cruelties of those without media cachet.

This corruption runs so deep that it forces even well-meaning attorneys to run the other way and abandon women who are being terrorized by domestic abusers, their counsel, and the judges in their pockets.

So why don’t other attorneys help women in my situation? From my perspective, the most limiting factor is that the attorney ethical rules lack  “good Samaritan” exceptions whereby well-meaning attorneys can assist victims without destroying their own careers by failing to report the corruption they discover. It is my belief that the pervasive nature of unfettered whistleblower retaliation is one of the greatest current threats to our democracy.

The media will occasionally report a domestic abuser if there is the potential for sufficient media attention. “Deadbeat dad” Joe Walsh’s failure to pay past due child support of over $100,000 while spending personal funds on his own political campaign briefly made the headlines, yet Walsh’s response was to blame his ex-wife.

Those of us who lack the media-grabbing cachet of a Rihanna still have stories to tell, have contributions to make, if only we could be heard. My own Ex has managed to avoid paying any child support for me to continue to help my son with disabilities, and has refused to pay his full obligations for maintenance for the past year (over $100,000), forcing the house into foreclosure.  He uses his legal team to convince the (same) judge to repeatedly block even the hearing the of motions so that I can replace a non-working boiler to heat the house, yet this judge continues to lay blame at MY feet, knowingly granting every outrageous request of my Ex’s attorney.

My funk comes from my struggles in trying to write my story in a way to pique the interest of someone in the media  who will join with me to expose the corruption I’ve so carefully documented. My funk comes from having to write my own pleadings (motions) without benefit of legal training, trying to find just the right words to get some relief from the cruelties of this judge. How can I fight rulings made with opposing counsel in secret, in-chambers hearings I am not allowed to attend or to challenge? How can I fight a system that routinely violates Supreme court rules, case law, and common decency? I had always believed that we each had equal access to our Constitutional  protections of due process and to confront our accusers.

And so, my funk comes from the realization that due process only seems to come to those who have the deep pockets to buy it.

More about George Bailey and decency

Shortlink: http://wp.me/piWoH-4T

Yesterday, I wrote about the kinds of people George Bailey (from the movie It’s a Wonderful Life) represents: Decent, hard-working family members who are constantly giving everything of themselves to others.

These decent people, unaccustomed to asking for help for themselves, often struggle asking for help in their own time of need.  They suddenly find their personal resources “on empty” when trying to fend off vicious attacks by corporate bullies, as represented by the Mr. Potters of the world.

Due to unprecedented corporate & lobbying influences on the legislative and judicial branches of our country right now, our country is so full of George-Baileys-under-attack at this time, that there are few left who can lend a financial “hand.”

Today, thanks to Twitter mate @yellowdog71, I watched a great video with clips of George Bailey fending off Mr. Potter, from moveyourmoneyproject.org:

Stories of overcoming adversity and bullying, whether fictional or true, are a great way to re-connect to the honorable values of your family and community, including the national and global community. The occupy movement has reinvigorated the “yes we can” beliefs that surfaced when our citizens overwhelmingly elected Obama.

While our Congress has cowered to the vicious bullying of corporatists and Dominionists, the occupy movements across our country have re-invigorated the standing-up for our long-held values for which our Veterans have so valiantly fought.

And so, on this Veterans Day, please be reminded that reaffirming the solemn oath of “one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all” is our national obligation, our moral compass, and the law.

George Bailey and Public Decency?

Excerpts from Becoming Nobody

©2010-11 Dr. Jeanne Beckman

Shortlink: http://wp.me/piWoH-4J

I am George Bailey

In our everyday lives, most adults are always seeking meaning. Many find meaning through volunteering in service organizations such as Rotary, endorsing  “service above self.” Volunteers find meaning in their own lives by continually considering how they can provide service to others.

What happens to those whose belief in their contributions to the world, their very existence, their belief in the meaningfulness of their lives, has been totally shattered, totally ridiculed by bullies? What happens to the families, what happens to the communities where bullies have eviscerated those whose very meaning in life is constructed around service to others?

As George Bailey discovered in the story, It’s a Wonderful Life, we can find ourselves plunged into the depths of despair by one despicable act by an unconscionable bully, who marshals his fellow bullies, even marshals entire institutions to carry out his evil deeds.

George Bailey also discovered that the impacts of these acts by bullies are not isolated, but have ripple effects on the lives and livelihoods of entire families, entire communities, even the entire global community.

George Bailey constantly gave so much of himself to others, that his personal resources were on empty when the bully, Mr. Potter, dealt his final blow. It was only when George’s wife thought to enlist all of the community members to gather funds and pray to Heaven for help, only when George’s angel demonstrated the impact George’s life had on others in their community and the world, that George could accept the help of others.

But what if the bullies manage to keep others from helping the George Baileys of the world? What do we lose by allowing bullies to get away with their evil deeds? Even in George Bailey’s world, Mister Potter, who was a board member of the savings and loan, should have been indicted for embezzlement of savings and loan funds as well as wire fraud for reporting to the bank examiner that Bailey stole the funds. Would Potter’s employees have had the courage to blow the whistle on their employer?

Lilly Ledbetter tried to challenge the status quo of corporations systematically underpaying women in the workforce, and a jury agreed that she should be reimbursed. However, the deep pockets of the corporation appealed, going all the way to the conservative and misogynistic  5 to 4 voting block of the Supreme Court to deny her a just solution. While supporters of Ledbetter managed to get legislation to work around the Supreme Court denial, what happens to those who have been unable to marshal forces to challenge bullies?

In Divorced From Justice, Winner describes the total devastation that frequently occurs to a woman’s life when she tries to escape the systematic financial, physical, and emotional abuse of a marriage that often is perpetuated and exacerbated in the divorce courts. She describes women, whose married lives included multi-million dollar homes and other assets, who were plunged into poverty and even homelessness after their husbands plundered the family assets to fund scorched-earth legal tactics. She describes divorce court tactics whereby secret deals between attorneys, crafted via telephone, email, and within judges’ chambers, completely devastated a woman’s life, taking away non-marital assets, taking away a woman’s children, and taking away a woman’s ability to earn a living (which would have constructed meaning to her new life), by forcing her to move away from her community, her children, and her present work life. How many George Baileys have we lost due to the failure of regulators to stand against such court abuses and bullying?

Schools are another place where families have to deal with bullying, not only from the bratty kid on the playground, but from the systematic bullying by administrators who segregate students with disabilities, who use taxpayers’ deep pockets to fund legal teams to deny the educational and civil rights of students and their parents. In my first book, Tech Psychologist’s Guide[1], I wrote about these “school bullies.” Even though the federal government issued a letter on the subject of disability harassment in 2002, families are continually denied access to an appropriate education that is free from a hostile environment. These families report that they and their children continue to be segregated, verbally harassed, called names (such as lazy and “needing a kick in the butt”) and that, ultimately, their children can only get a decent education if the parents fund tens of thousands of dollars for private tutoring. Thomas Edison was kicked out of his school by an administrator who stated he was “addle-brained.” If Edison’s mother had not home-schooled her son, Edison’s prolific inventions most likely would not have spurred the world’s progress. All these years later, many administrators are still claiming they do not have to provide an education where the child can achieve his or her full potential. These administrators still claim they have the right to segregate students who learn differently, still have the right to ignore the science of learning, still have the right to teach to mediocrity, and still claim that it is appropriate to punish the victims by flunking students who have not had appropriate access to proven teaching methods. How many Thomas Edisons, how many George Baileys have we lost due to the failure of educational regulators to stand against such bullying?

Recently, investigations have pointed toward financial giants such as Goldman Sachs as manipulators of the mortgage markets in order to profit from the collapse of the housing market. These Wall Street bullies’ greed have left families financially devastated, have left families homeless, and have decimated entire communities. How many George Baileys have we lost due to the failure of regulators to stand against such bullying?

Often, when a person or an organization challenges bullies, the deep-pocket (i.e. well-funded, politically connected) bullies will use isolation, intimidation, and threats to silence those who attempt to speak to common decency. The term “plaming” came about when Valerie Plame’s husband, Joseph Wilson, attempted to blow the whistle against Bush administration policies. After “Plamegate,” how many George Baileys were silenced because they feared for their families if they spoke out against illegal or unethical activities? As a mother who needed to insure the well-being of her children, I personally found the chill of “Plamegate” made me examine whether speaking out on a particular topic might cause harm to my children.

The media also portrays a sense of entitlement that is contrary to those held by most community members throughout our great country. Whether it is politicians’ marital and/or financial transgressions or great sports figures such as OJ Simpson or Tiger Woods, many regular citizens have come to believe that there is a two-tier legal system: one for those with deep pockets for great legal/publicity teams, and one for those without such resources. While the justice system did not convict OJ of his continued and repeated domestic abuse resulting in murder, the Goldmans had sufficient funds to file a lawsuit and prevail in civil court. Tiger Woods’ wife, assuming she is smart enough to get out of her abusive relationship right now, has sufficient funds to be on a level playing field with Tiger, especially since the public scrutiny of a divorce would be a near certainty.

What is not obvious is the devastating effect on the children of these tortured divorces. A former girlfriend of Tiger Woods reportedly stated that Tiger’s father cheated on his mother, and now Tiger is passing on the twisted legacy to his children of financial and emotional abuse directed toward their mother. Elizabeth Edwards indicated that her father cheated on her mother, and now we know that, even while Elizabeth was fighting cancer, John Edwards was keeping a mistress who bore his child. How long will it take for decent people to stand up and say, “enough!” How long will it take for decent people to tell advertisers they will not be supported if they fund media that interview and facilitate the public’s acceptance of adulterers who seek out others’ spouses for their own needs. At least most of Tiger’s sponsors are dropping him, but probably only due to the sheer numbers of his apparently indiscriminant affairs.

Coming Next: My own story growing up

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[1] Beckman, Jeanne, 2007. Tech Psychologist’s Guide to Technology and Access Tools. Texas: Virtualbookworm.com Publishing.

Becoming Nobody: Falling out of the Middle Class

Shortlink: http://wp.me/piWoH-4B

Dr. Jeanne Beckman[1]

Introduction

In his book, How Starbucks Saved My Life, Michael Gates Gill tells the story of losing everything from his former life of great privilege and entitlement, and then finding greater meaning in his relationships through his hard work as a barista at Starbucks. Erin Brockovich, in her book Take It From Me, Life’s a Struggle But You Can Win,” tells the story of having come from a lifetime of personal struggles, then finding herself through helping those whose lives had been marginalized and destroyed by corporate greed and indifference.

Jeanne Beckman’s upper-middle class life was not as privileged as Gill’s, and not initially as challenging as Brockovich’s, yet her struggles to escape an increasingly abusive marriage led to the secret shame of greater abuses facilitated by the corruption of Cook County Family Law Court. Somehow, after 26 years of marriage, Beckman’s now ex-husband found ways to use his lawyers and the Court to help him fraudulently seize every asset of the marriage while forcing Beckman to take essentially all of the marital debt. After allowing one of Beckman’s attorneys to resign due to the judge’s willingness to allow multiple continuances (delaying allocation of matching marital funds to pay Beckman’s attorneys), the judge stated he was withholding funds for Beckman’s essential living needs because “THEY” (opposing counsel) “wanted to wait  to see whether [Beckman] would declare bankruptcy.” Beckman argues that for any judge to repeatedly facilitate agreements which were benefit only one of the divorcing parties (usually the husband) indicates that the judicial system has utterly failed to provide an unbiased consideration of a just distribution in divorce.

In Beckman’s case, her husband felt that he was entitled to take assets allocated to their children’s college education as his own (thus forcing the children to take out student loans) as well as protect the marital assets he seized in attempts to force his wife to declare chapter 7 bankruptcy (by taking the debt he had secretly and/or abusively generated throughout the marriage). Each one of the Judge’s subsequent rulings seemed designed to force Beckman into further destitution, which could only be relieved by declaring personal bankruptcy, but Beckman refused to be the sacrificial lamb for her ex-husband’s spendthrift ways.

Beckman draws comparisons between divorce court’s treatment of women and society’s views of rape of women versus assault against men. That is, if a man is assaulted in a robbery, he is not asked about his personal relationships, what kind of clothing he was wearing, or what kind of car he was driving in order to ascertain whether he provoked the attack. Yet every day, women who are victims of rape still must defend themselves against misogynistic judges, prosecutors and defense teams.

Beckman states that between strangers, she believes her ex-husband’s abusive behavior would have been viewed as aggravated assault, rape, extortion, conspiracy, and fraud. However, in the Cook County divorce system, those without the deep financial pockets (primarily women) are themselves blamed for the fraudulent claims of their ex-husband’s, continually humiliated, and, in Beckman’s case, threatened multiple times with incarceration in Cook County jail and further destitution due to her refusal to capitulate to increasingly cruel extortion maneuvers.

All the while, our society not only facilitates the abuse by refusing to enforce the toothless domestic abuse laws, but shames and threatens women who dare to expose the truth of their abuse, allowing threats of lawsuits for slander and retaliatory attorney fees. Beckman reports that one of her attorneys told her that if she fought the coerced divorce agreement, she’d “end up with a bullet in her head” like a previous divorced woman in the North Shore (Diane Davis of Kenilworth). Attorneys, obligated to report ethical violations of other attorneys and judges, turn a blind eye to even flagrant violations of ethics rules. The media also refuses to respond to the pleas for exposure of the abuse and corruption, unless there is a celebrity angle which would generate increased viewership.

Beckman’s ex-husband’s maneuvers, crafted by attorneys in the judge’s chambers without Beckman’s knowledge or consent, forced her into the secret abyss of those women who are betrayed by their attorneys and utterly disenfranchised by the courts, hurtling down through the gaping holes of governmental and charity “safety nets.”

Before the divorce process began, Beckman’s life as a psychologist and book author led her to media appearances, quotes in national publications, corporate spokesperson appearances in national media tours, and multiple invitations to speak at local and national events. Beckman could pick up the telephone and speak to bank presidents, media producers, and executive directors.

After the divorce process began, as Beckman discovered that laws, (especially those related to domestic abuse and financial parity in assets in a marriage, are meaningless if one does not have access to the deep pocket means to enforce them), her life became increasingly desperate. Cut off from funds to buy food or pay for even necessities, Beckman’s requests for referrals for competent legal assistance from known contacts were apologetically declined and calls to charity and legal assistance organizations were either ignored or denied as ineligible. Beckman’s primary food choices changed from organic, locally grown produce and fresh meat to canned beans, pasta, and items with high fructose corn syrup obtained from a local food pantry or an occasional grocery trip with a friend funding the bill. Her ex-husband, living in a penthouse condominium, still is able to buy his filet mignon, Copper River salmon, Fat Tire beer, and gourmet desserts.

Beckman communicated with other women who’d experienced similar stories: Dr. Jeanne King, author of All But My Soul, as well as others afraid to publish their names she met along the way. These women also shared harrowing tales in their challenges of literal and figurative escape, trying to preserve a life for themselves and their children when their ex-husband had deep pockets of trust funds and other hidden marital monies. These monies were invariably used to purposely destroy the professional and social lives of their wives as well as collaterally destroying the lives of their children. Each time, the destitute woman was told “just move on” as if such a solution were as simple as pulling out a checkbook to buy another car to replace an unreliable clunker. If that woman has $111.95 in her checking account, she can’t even pay for her COBRA insurance, let alone a new car or new life.

 

It has been stated that the first Chicago Mayor Richard Daley, who had asked a potential volunteer, “who sent you,” was told “nobody.” Daley purportedly responded “I don’t want nobody, nobody sent.” Only a person with connections could volunteer and become part of Mayor Daley’s machine. By having her financial and personal connections stolen from her by a vindictive ex-spouse with a sense of (unearned) entitlement, Beckman’s life crashed around her and she became an instant nobody.

However, Beckman’s harrowing experiences have led her to believe that by becoming a nobody, she has gained a unique understanding of what it’s like to navigate this litigious society without the deep pockets to easily prevail. She is using these experiences to develop programs of community-wide “circling of the wagons” to assist those who would contribute and give back to their community and country if only given a chance.

This true story, then, is about Beckman’s attempts to remain loyal to her beliefs of “pay it forward” while fighting the systematic injustice that is destroying her family and communities across our country.

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[1] About Dr. Beckman

Dr. Jeanne Beckman is a clinical & developmental psychologist in private practice in Winnetka and Northfield, Illinois. She has had extensive experience working with young children through adulthood as well as families. She utilizes a practical, problem-solving approach to helping people of all ages feel motivated and able to make necessary changes.

Dr. Beckman provides consultations to schools, various-sized organizations, and groups. She provides enthusiastic seminars training, and lectures to professionals and non-professionals alike.

Dr. Beckman has written a book entitled Tech Psychologist’s Guide to Technology and Access Tools as well as numerous articles about children, adults, families and parenting,

Dr. Beckman is a member of the New Trier Township Committee on Disabilities, an advisory board member for Harkness House for Children since 1998 (a day care center); and is an advisory board member of the Winnetka Alliance for Early Childhood (board member from 1994-2007). She is also a member (since 1988), recent board member, and current literacy chair of the Rotary Club of Winnetka-Northfield as well as a member of the literacy committee of Rotary district 6440

Judicial discretion, law enforcement decisions as threats to national security

Shortlink http://wp.me/piWoH-4r

Note: correction regarding Thomas’ previous experience

Today, the ACLU of Illinois (@ACLUofIL) responded to a tweet asking whether it is fair to put someone on death row if you’re not sure they’re guilty. The obvious answer to any reasonable person is “No.”  However, SCOTUS Clarence Thomas, reportedly formerly hailing from Georgia, recently ruled that Troy Davis should be put to death despite substantial credible evidence that the only evidence linking him to the crime, eyewitness testimony of nine individuals, may have been tainted by law enforcement/prosecutorial misconduct. Of those nine eye witnesses, reportedly seven of them stated that they were coerced by police to testify against Davis, and they have since recanted their testimony.

Prosecutorial and police coercion is nothing new. But contrast the ultimate outcome of Troy Davis’ case (death by lethal injection) with that of the Duke lacrosse players who were indicted by a corrupt prosecutor for allegedly raping a party dancer. Because these Duke students had parents who could afford all the resources of private, effective legal counsel, the prosecutor’s misconduct was exposed. Regardless, the lives of these college students have been forever changed, even though they were not convicted nor sentenced to prison. And what was the punishment of the prosecutor? Judicial discretion ruled the prosecutor should receive a slap on the wrist. In my opinion, he should be charged with a felony crime, and sentenced to prison for the number of years a convicted rapist would have served.

John Burge was a police officer in the Chicago police department who brutally tortured many suspects into confessions, some tortures of which resulted in innocent people being sentenced to death row. An innocence project successfully exonerated many of these people, but not before some of them had spent more than 15 years in prison. Their lives and the lives of their families, no matter what financial compensation is provided, are forever ruined. It is alleged that many influential people knew that this torture was occurring, yet it was allowed to continue.

Due to statute of limitations, Burge cannot be tried for his torture. It is my belief that federal laws need to be changed so that for every day an individual who was knowingly denied adequate due process,  remains in prison,  the time clock restarts for law enforcement, prosecutors, and the judiciary.

So, why don’t reasonable attorneys and judges report the corruption, as their attorney ethics rules require? One only has to look at how life forever changed once the Bush & Cheney administration got away with “Plamegate.”  Valerie Plame’s husband, Joseph Wilson, reported information discrediting Bush’s administration claims regarding their rationale for invading Iraq. In essence, Wilson became a whistleblower. While there have been other whistleblowers who have been attacked, fired, indicted, and/or incarcerated for trumped-up crimes, Plame’s very public outing (a significant crime in itself) became an example of what might happen if someone dared to report corruption.

Even those brave souls who do persevere to report suspicious activities, as did agents reporting odd flight school behavior prior to 9/11, are often ignored. As 9/11 clearly indicates, ignoring reports of suspicious activity and/or corruption can ruin the lives of people even beyond indicted suspects.

If honest people take heed of “Plamegate” and are afraid for their lives, their family lives, and their livelihood if they report corruption, then our national security, the future of our country, is at great risk.

In my layman’s view, judicial discretion has allowed judges to ignore probable corruption, law enforcement & attorney misconduct, and other threats to equitable justice. When a Supreme Court justice, who has the appearance of answering to no one, ignores outcries from legal scholars, Nobel prize laureates, and well respected international leaders and essentially expedites the death of a person denied equitable access to due process, then our entire national security is at far, far greater risk than from carrying 4 ounces of shampoo in carry-on luggage. We need to have a system of anonymous reporting such as wikileaks to facilitate the reporting and full investigation of crimes and corruption.

In a recent SunTimes article (http://bit.ly/pFrkCl), U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald stated that if people fail to report corruption, they are part of the problem. Surely he must know that many of us have ignored these risks and repeatedly attempted to report corruption to local police, states attorneys,  the FBI, yet have been repeatedly rebuffed. Mr. Fitzgerald, where do you want us to report this corruption, and how are you going to protect us from retaliation?

There are many “regular” people in this country who have been brave enough to report corruption, yet are routinely ignored or have their lives ruined by retaliation. In essence, these people are “nobodies” in the eyes of the entire legal system as well as the mainstream media. One such group of “regular” people is constituted of victims of domestic violence.

October is domestic violence month. For this month, I will be blogging about the devastating effects on women and their families who attempt to navigate the law enforcement and legal system in breaking free from domestic abuse.

I have been told that I am known as an “undocumented victim of domestic violence.” I am undocumented because my divorce judge vacated an Order of Protection granted in another court, and despite my pleas to attorneys, law enforcement, and states attorney, I am unable to obtain legal protection from the ongoing, unbearable attacks from my ex-husband and his attorneys. The more I plead to law enforcement and that same judge to help me as I struggled to break free from my abusive Ex husband, the more retaliation, the more corruption in the legal system has occurred. I am repeatedly told that it’s all up to my same judge, as he is the one who gets to decide whether he has been fair in allocating essentially the entirety of assets to my Ex-husband.

The whole process reminds me of the advice given to victims of rape, who are told not to fight back as the rape is occurring so they won’t suffer greater physical injuries, and then are accused of having consensual sex because they don’t have injuries to prove they were raped.

As I have attempted to survive an escape from the ongoing prison of domestic violence, I have become a nobody in the eyes of the legal and judicial system. And so, on this blog and in my upcoming second book, I will document my fall from the middle class, my “Becoming Nobody.”

Dear Ms Palin, From One Mother to Another

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Dear Ms Palin

I weathered Mother’s day alone, even though I have 3 young adults sons. The one who is farthest away, at college in Vermont, actually called me and wished me a happy Mother’s Day.

They say that a family is only as happy as the least happy child. As adult children of recently divorced parents, my kids are in a heap of hurt right now. And as a mother, you must know that it’s always the mom’s fault, no matter what the problem. Sometimes we can “make it all better” and sometimes we cannot. As mothers, we feel powerless and distressed when we cannot take away our children’s pain.

In our current political climate, however, the entirety of the country’s problems seems to be attributable to women and their “inability” and “unwillingness” to take full responsibility for  their seductive fecundity. What kind of legacy are we leaving for our children if we allow bullies to disparage women, to force women to relinquish their Constitutional rights to privacy, to relinquish their ability to control their own destinies?

Since I had so much time alone on Mother’s day, I had lots of time to fret about the legacy GOP leaders are  leaving behind for our children as they grow.  Mountains of debt, foreclosed homes, educations hijacked by politics, shredded safety nets and political disenfranchisement. Every family one major illness away from financial ruin.

As mothers, it is our job to defend our children’s futures at the same time we need to teach our children to be “good” people, even in the face of adversity.

In my own situation, as an undocumented victim of domestic violence, financially destitute due to my Ex’s secret divorce court maneuvers, it is my hope that my legacy is to model the power of mid-course corrections. That is, my legacy will be that my sons observe that I refuse to cave in to bullies, no matter how hard these bullies try to paint me into corners. In the past year, my Ex’s attorneys used the Court to order my incarceration for contumacious failure to pay bills with non-existent funds, I am threatened by collection agents for failing to pay bills belonging to my ex-husband, and now threatened by foreclosure because my ex-husband doesn’t believe he should have to pay the property taxes he swore by affidavit he had been paying. After essentially destroying my private practice, he took  the entirety of the retirement accounts, so that when I reach retirement age in less than 5 years, I’ll probably have to rely solely on my Ex’s social security, if the GOP hasn’t taken it away by then. I may become homeless this year, but I will still not cave in to his threats.

Even though I did not have the good fortune to have daughters, I believe it is important for my sons to learn that they must treat their wives and girlfriends with honesty, integrity, and respect. While I made the decision to stay in an abusive marriage until my youngest was 18 in order to avoid the financial destitution that my Ex had promised if I left, I regret now that that decision allowed my sons to see a twisted model of how to treat women. My sons do not want to hear my explanation or apologies for that decision, as they have been led to believe that the only problem that exists after a 26 year marriage is that I am a disturbed woman who will not  just “move on.”

Even though my children do not want to hear it, I’ve attempted to apologize for waiting so long to leave the abuse. I will continue to love them at the same time I will not allow them to treat me badly, because I wish to model that women must refuse to be bullied, that they must stand up for what is right, even though they may stand alone.

I imagine for you, since you are now a grandmother and voluntarily unemployed from elected office, you have also had time to reflect on the role model you’ve provided over the past couple of years, as well as your legacy you’re providing for your children and grandchildren, both for the time you have left on this earth as well as for after you die.

Even though I have three college degrees, I’ve not had the good fortune to study comparative religions, although it’s on my bucket list. However, I believe that most religions stress the values of honesty, integrity, living the golden rule, and owning up to our own behavior, even when it is uncomfortable to do so. Since you have daughters, I would hope that you’ve taught them that they must demand to be treated honestly, with respect, and with all of the Constitutional protections of any other man or woman of this great country.

You are in the difficult situation of having had a very public forum for your moral leadership for your children. Therefore, I hope that if you’ve engaged in bullying, name-calling, bigotry, and/or dishonesty, that you will use the same forum to own up for any behaviors that have facilitated bigotry and/or that deviates from the moral path that you’d want your children to follow.

From one mother to another, Ms Palin, I’d advise you to own up, sooner rather than later.  Since you may have engaged in bullying behavior in public, your moral leadership would dictate that you need to own up to it in public also.

There are several phrases that you probably taught your children, such as “you need to share,” “pick on someone your own size,” “If Glenn jumped off a cliff, would you?” “you should know better.” “never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.”  “Be the change you want to see (Gandhi).” You also know, as a mother, that “do as I say and not as I do” doesn’t work. Our children learn from what they observe.

In guiding both your daughters and sons, remember that many people you and they meet in life will appear earnest and make lavish promises of regal futures together when they want something, but you must beware of wolves in sheep’s clothing. If they wine you, and dine you, they’re treating you like a whore if they mock you and brag in the locker room how gullible you are. Such relationships never turn out well. You cannot negotiate with bullies.

Oh yeah, another piece of advice, from one mother to another is to make certain your children learn that saying you’re sorry doesn’t count if you don’t mean it. If you repeat the behavior after you’ve apologized, not only does your apology not count, but you’re both a liar and a bully since you didn’t mean it.

Dr. Jeanne Beckman

www.JeanneBeckman.com

Divorce as a metaphor

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Scorched earth divorces, as discussed in Karen Winner’s book, Divorced from Justice, start out by the spouse with deep pockets (SDP) and cutthroat attorneys cutting off the innocent spouse from any financial support. Then, SDP’s attorneys throw every stalling tactic, legal (and not so legal) maneuver, and obfuscation at the innocent spouse. As her attorneys fend off the various maneuvers, her legal team runs out of funds.

While on paper, there are protections in place to protect the innocent spouse, the reality is quite different. Attorney Penelope Bryant wrote about coercion (see http://tinyurl.com/4t8pjbc) and the long-lasting, devastating effects on the spouse and her children.

I have been told that I should describe myself as an undocumented victim of domestic violence. Undocumented because like many others, my divorce court has routinely denied enforcement of domestic violence laws since my abuser is the one with deep pockets. So, even though I’ve attempted to just move on with my life after 26 years of marriage, my Ex has repeatedly used the court to deny me my rights to my share in the assets from the marriage at the same time he’s forcing me to take his extortion debt, take his lavish vacation debt (think Bonaire, Islemorada, and Vail) and debt taken to hide his asset-hiding.

As I am struggling to fight back against my Ex, who took the entirety of the retirement assets, dissipated the value of the marital home by over $200k, and has tried to incarcerate me on several occasions for failure to pay utility bills in the dissipated house (think holes in the roof, kicked in doors, and broken boiler) even though I am financially destitute due to his court maneuvers, I can’t help but think about how these scorched earth divorce tactics are similar to the seizing of assets and power by political bullies, most recently the GOP in Wisconsin and other states in control of the GOP.

As I struggle to fight total financial devastation and probable homelessness, my personal Patronus (think Harry Potter) is to channel Luke Skywalker trying to shoot the death star, in the first Star Wars movie. As he is being shot at by the Evil Empire’s fighters,  Luke channels the Force as Obi-Wan Kenobi implores him to focus using the force, to shut out the distractions as he focuses on the target he must take out in order to save humankind.

As citizens are attempting to fight against the takeover of our country by corporations (think Wisconsin and the Koch brothers), I think about the similarities between scorched earth divorces and the disenfranchisement of our workers, families, communities, and country.

First, the corporates took away many of our rights when they changed bankruptcy laws, allowing credit card companies (think Bank of America) to charge loan shark credit card rates and policies, then they reduced funding to such an extent to legal assistance programs that those programs still remaining had few resources to make a difference.  The corporates bought out SCOTUS (think Bush v Gore), are trying to control access to the Internet, and ignore open meetings acts, and have used the government for unfettered attacks on whistleblowers.

They want us to believe that we have no option but to comply. Therefore, we must figure out ways to fly under the radar and cover the backs of those who still have resources to fight  peaceful yet effective battles.

In order to survive, to preserve any shred of decency and life, we must prioritize and focus, yet decentralize our peaceful attacks. We need hundreds of wikileak-type sites. While we decentralize, we need to find ways to share resources to enforce ethical laws and practices.

More later… I have to get back to  fighting my own legal battles. I am still not out of the woods in my own divorce. My Ex continues to stall, obfuscate, submit frivolous motions with perjured affidavits and has so far prevailed in the court system.

In the meantime, even if you feel you have no energy to fight these battles for common decency, talk to your neighbors and find ways to pool and stretch your energies. Our children are relying on us.