They always ask, “Why do women keep silent about domestic abuse?”

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There are multiple media events that will send me into a funk these days. I get in a funk when I see mainstream media using 24/7 replays of sneering politicians and pompous Supreme Court justices smearing women who dare to speak the truth about the boorish, reportable sexual harassment.

I get in a funk when I read media questions asking why women don’t report domestic violence events. The fundamental dishonesty of the reporting media in both types of instances does tremendous harm, not only in the present to women, but to those who dare to stand up, to blow the whistle on dishonesty, fraud, and other cruelties.

We know that murdered Nicole Simpson reported OJ’s abuse multiple times, but the police refused to file a report. I also have attempted to report the abuse of my Ex multiple times to the police, to the states attorney, and others. They either tell me to take it up with my judge, or worse, they tell me I’m just being vindictive, “sore” because I am unhappy with my divorce settlement. They knowingly refuse to report the abuse of the perpetrator. I’m told I should just move on with my life, but how? They gave him everything and then some.

So why do I personally still get into such a funk? I have worked to get past the overwhelming shame of admitting that I put up with domestic abuse for over 20 years, because I was afraid my Ex would destroy my career and my relationship with my children if I tried to divorce him while my children were young. Based on how the divorce played out, my fears were well-founded.

I waited until my youngest went away to college to file for divorce, not knowing that the Cook County divorce system was so corrupt that my Ex could steal everything, yet the system would blame me, the victim of his physical, emotional, and financial abuse. The abuse continues to intensify two years after I was forced to sign over  more than half of the 401k account to my then-husband’s attorneys under threat of incarceration, and forced to sign the marital agreement (giving him essentially the rest of the retirement assets) under threat of murder.

I struggle to get past the funk of failing to find the “right” words that will get the media to notice that not just my family, but families across our country are being destroyed every day because of the greed of corruption, people in power who are too afraid to speak out, and media refusal to expose the cruelties of those with media cachet.

This corruption runs so deep that it forces even well-meaning attorneys to run the other way and abandon women who are being terrorized by domestic abusers, their counsel, and the judges in their pockets.

So why don’t other attorneys help women in my situation? From my perspective, the most limiting factor is that the attorney ethical rules lack  “good Samaritan” exceptions whereby well-meaning attorneys can assist victims without destroying their own careers by failing to report the corruption they discover. It is my belief that the pervasive nature of unfettered whistleblower retaliation is one of the greatest current threats to our democracy.

The media will occasionally report a domestic abuser if there is the potential for sufficient media attention. “Deadbeat dad” Joe Walsh’s failure to pay past due child support of over $100,000 while spending personal funds on his own political campaign briefly made the headlines, yet Walsh’s response was to blame his ex-wife.

Those of us who lack the media-grabbing cachet of a Rihanna still have stories to tell, have contributions to make, if only we could be heard. My own Ex has managed to avoid paying any child support for me to continue to help my son with disabilities, and has refused to pay his full obligations for maintenance for the past year, forcing the house into foreclosure.  He repeatedly blocks even actions so that I can replace a non-working boiler to heat the house, yet this judge continues to lay blame at MY feet, knowingly granting every outrageous request of my Ex’s attorney.

My funk comes from my struggles in trying to write my story in a way to pique the interest of someone in the media  who will join with me to expose the corruption I’ve so carefully documented. My funk comes from having to write my own pleadings (motions) without benefit of legal training, trying to find just the right words to get some relief from the cruelties of this judge. How can I fight rulings made with opposing counsel in secret, in-chambers hearings I am not allowed to attend or to challenge? How can I fight a system that routinely violates Supreme court rules, case law, and common decency? I had always believed that we each had equal access to our Constitutional  protections of due process and to confront our accusers.

And so, my funk comes from the realization that due process only seems to come to those who have the deep pockets to buy it.

More about George Bailey and decency

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Yesterday, I wrote about the kinds of people George Bailey (from the movie It’s a Wonderful Life) represents: Decent, hard-working family members who are constantly giving everything of themselves to others.

These decent people, unaccustomed to asking for help for themselves, often struggle asking for help in their own time of need.  They suddenly find their personal resources “on empty” when trying to fend off vicious attacks by corporate bullies, as represented by the Mr. Potters of the world.

Due to unprecedented corporate & lobbying influences on the legislative and judicial branches of our country right now, our country is so full of George-Baileys-under-attack at this time, that there are few left who can lend a financial “hand.”

Today, thanks to Twitter mate @yellowdog71, I watched a great video with clips of George Bailey fending off Mr. Potter, from moveyourmoneyproject.org:

Stories of overcoming adversity and bullying, whether fictional or true, are a great way to re-connect to the honorable values of your family and community, including the national and global community. The occupy movement has reinvigorated the “yes we can” beliefs that surfaced when our citizens overwhelmingly elected Obama.

While our Congress has cowered to the vicious bullying of corporatists and Dominionists, the occupy movements across our country have re-invigorated the standing-up for our long-held values for which our Veterans have so valiantly fought.

And so, on this Veterans Day, please be reminded that reaffirming the solemn oath of “one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all” is our national obligation, our moral compass, and the law.

George Bailey and Public Decency?

Excerpts from Becoming Nobody

©2010-11 Dr. Jeanne Beckman

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I am George Bailey

In our everyday lives, most adults are always seeking meaning. Many find meaning through volunteering in service organizations such as Rotary, endorsing  “service above self.” Volunteers find meaning in their own lives by continually considering how they can provide service to others.

What happens to those whose belief in their contributions to the world, their very existence, their belief in the meaningfulness of their lives, has been totally shattered, totally ridiculed by bullies? What happens to the families, what happens to the communities where bullies have eviscerated those whose very meaning in life is constructed around service to others?

As George Bailey discovered in the story, It’s a Wonderful Life, we can find ourselves plunged into the depths of despair by one despicable act by an unconscionable bully, who marshals his fellow bullies, even marshals entire institutions to carry out his evil deeds.

George Bailey also discovered that the impacts of these acts by bullies are not isolated, but have ripple effects on the lives and livelihoods of entire families, entire communities, even the entire global community.

George Bailey constantly gave so much of himself to others, that his personal resources were on empty when the bully, Mr. Potter, dealt his final blow. It was only when George’s wife thought to enlist all of the community members to gather funds and pray to Heaven for help, only when George’s angel demonstrated the impact George’s life had on others in their community and the world, that George could accept the help of others.

But what if the bullies manage to keep others from helping the George Baileys of the world? What do we lose by allowing bullies to get away with their evil deeds? Even in George Bailey’s world, Mister Potter, who was a board member of the savings and loan, should have been indicted for embezzlement of savings and loan funds as well as wire fraud for reporting to the bank examiner that Bailey stole the funds. Would Potter’s employees have had the courage to blow the whistle on their employer?

Lilly Ledbetter tried to challenge the status quo of corporations systematically underpaying women in the workforce, and a jury agreed that she should be reimbursed. However, the deep pockets of the corporation appealed, going all the way to the conservative and misogynistic  5 to 4 voting block of the Supreme Court to deny her a just solution. While supporters of Ledbetter managed to get legislation to work around the Supreme Court denial, what happens to those who have been unable to marshal forces to challenge bullies?

In Divorced From Justice, Winner describes the total devastation that frequently occurs to a woman’s life when she tries to escape the systematic financial, physical, and emotional abuse of a marriage that often is perpetuated and exacerbated in the divorce courts. She describes women, whose married lives included multi-million dollar homes and other assets, who were plunged into poverty and even homelessness after their husbands plundered the family assets to fund scorched-earth legal tactics. She describes divorce court tactics whereby secret deals between attorneys, crafted via telephone, email, and within judges’ chambers, completely devastated a woman’s life, taking away non-marital assets, taking away a woman’s children, and taking away a woman’s ability to earn a living (which would have constructed meaning to her new life), by forcing her to move away from her community, her children, and her present work life. How many George Baileys have we lost due to the failure of regulators to stand against such court abuses and bullying?

Schools are another place where families have to deal with bullying, not only from the bratty kid on the playground, but from the systematic bullying by administrators who segregate students with disabilities, who use taxpayers’ deep pockets to fund legal teams to deny the educational and civil rights of students and their parents. In my first book, Tech Psychologist’s Guide[1], I wrote about these “school bullies.” Even though the federal government issued a letter on the subject of disability harassment in 2002, families are continually denied access to an appropriate education that is free from a hostile environment. These families report that they and their children continue to be segregated, verbally harassed, called names (such as lazy and “needing a kick in the butt”) and that, ultimately, their children can only get a decent education if the parents fund tens of thousands of dollars for private tutoring. Thomas Edison was kicked out of his school by an administrator who stated he was “addle-brained.” If Edison’s mother had not home-schooled her son, Edison’s prolific inventions most likely would not have spurred the world’s progress. All these years later, many administrators are still claiming they do not have to provide an education where the child can achieve his or her full potential. These administrators still claim they have the right to segregate students who learn differently, still have the right to ignore the science of learning, still have the right to teach to mediocrity, and still claim that it is appropriate to punish the victims by flunking students who have not had appropriate access to proven teaching methods. How many Thomas Edisons, how many George Baileys have we lost due to the failure of educational regulators to stand against such bullying?

Recently, investigations have pointed toward financial giants such as Goldman Sachs as manipulators of the mortgage markets in order to profit from the collapse of the housing market. These Wall Street bullies’ greed have left families financially devastated, have left families homeless, and have decimated entire communities. How many George Baileys have we lost due to the failure of regulators to stand against such bullying?

Often, when a person or an organization challenges bullies, the deep-pocket (i.e. well-funded, politically connected) bullies will use isolation, intimidation, and threats to silence those who attempt to speak to common decency. The term “plaming” came about when Valerie Plame’s husband, Joseph Wilson, attempted to blow the whistle against Bush administration policies. After “Plamegate,” how many George Baileys were silenced because they feared for their families if they spoke out against illegal or unethical activities? As a mother who needed to insure the well-being of her children, I personally found the chill of “Plamegate” made me examine whether speaking out on a particular topic might cause harm to my children.

The media also portrays a sense of entitlement that is contrary to those held by most community members throughout our great country. Whether it is politicians’ marital and/or financial transgressions or great sports figures such as OJ Simpson or Tiger Woods, many regular citizens have come to believe that there is a two-tier legal system: one for those with deep pockets for great legal/publicity teams, and one for those without such resources. While the justice system did not convict OJ of his continued and repeated domestic abuse resulting in murder, the Goldmans had sufficient funds to file a lawsuit and prevail in civil court. Tiger Woods’ wife, assuming she is smart enough to get out of her abusive relationship right now, has sufficient funds to be on a level playing field with Tiger, especially since the public scrutiny of a divorce would be a near certainty.

What is not obvious is the devastating effect on the children of these tortured divorces. A former girlfriend of Tiger Woods reportedly stated that Tiger’s father cheated on his mother, and now Tiger is passing on the twisted legacy to his children of financial and emotional abuse directed toward their mother. Elizabeth Edwards indicated that her father cheated on her mother, and now we know that, even while Elizabeth was fighting cancer, John Edwards was keeping a mistress who bore his child. How long will it take for decent people to stand up and say, “enough!” How long will it take for decent people to tell advertisers they will not be supported if they fund media that interview and facilitate the public’s acceptance of adulterers who seek out others’ spouses for their own needs. At least most of Tiger’s sponsors are dropping him, but probably only due to the sheer numbers of his apparently indiscriminant affairs.

Coming Next: My own story growing up

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[1] Beckman, Jeanne, 2007. Tech Psychologist’s Guide to Technology and Access Tools. Texas: Virtualbookworm.com Publishing.

Becoming Nobody: Falling out of the Middle Class

Shortlink: http://wp.me/piWoH-4B

Dr. Jeanne Beckman[1]

Introduction

In his book, How Starbucks Saved My Life, Michael Gates Gill tells the story of losing everything from his former life of great privilege and entitlement, and then finding greater meaning in his relationships through his hard work as a barista at Starbucks. Erin Brockovich, in her book Take It From Me, Life’s a Struggle But You Can Win,” tells the story of having come from a lifetime of personal struggles, then finding herself through helping those whose lives had been marginalized and destroyed by corporate greed and indifference.

Jeanne Beckman’s upper-middle class life was not as privileged as Gill’s, and not initially as challenging as Brockovich’s, yet her struggles to escape an increasingly abusive marriage led to the secret shame of greater abuses facilitated by the corruption of Cook County Family Law Court. Somehow, after 26 years of marriage, Beckman’s now ex-husband found ways to use his lawyers and the Court to help him fraudulently seize every asset of the marriage while forcing Beckman to take essentially all of the marital debt. After allowing one of Beckman’s attorneys to resign due to the judge’s willingness to allow multiple continuances (delaying allocation of matching marital funds to pay Beckman’s attorneys), the judge stated he was withholding funds for Beckman’s essential living needs because “THEY” (opposing counsel) “wanted to wait  to see whether [Beckman] would declare bankruptcy.” Beckman argues that for any judge to repeatedly facilitate agreements which were benefit only one of the divorcing parties (usually the husband) indicates that the judicial system has utterly failed to provide an unbiased consideration of a just distribution in divorce.

In Beckman’s case, her husband felt that he was entitled to take assets allocated to their children’s college education as his own (thus forcing the children to take out student loans) as well as protect the marital assets he seized in attempts to force his wife to declare chapter 7 bankruptcy (by taking the debt he had secretly and/or abusively generated throughout the marriage). Each one of the Judge’s subsequent rulings seemed designed to force Beckman into further destitution, which could only be relieved by declaring personal bankruptcy, but Beckman refused to be the sacrificial lamb for her ex-husband’s spendthrift ways.

Beckman draws comparisons between divorce court’s treatment of women and society’s views of rape of women versus assault against men. That is, if a man is assaulted in a robbery, he is not asked about his personal relationships, what kind of clothing he was wearing, or what kind of car he was driving in order to ascertain whether he provoked the attack. Yet every day, women who are victims of rape still must defend themselves against misogynistic judges, prosecutors and defense teams.

Beckman states that between strangers, she believes her ex-husband’s abusive behavior would have been viewed as aggravated assault, rape, extortion, conspiracy, and fraud. However, in the Cook County divorce system, those without the deep financial pockets (primarily women) are themselves blamed for the fraudulent claims of their ex-husband’s, continually humiliated, and, in Beckman’s case, threatened multiple times with incarceration in Cook County jail and further destitution due to her refusal to capitulate to increasingly cruel extortion maneuvers.

All the while, our society not only facilitates the abuse by refusing to enforce the toothless domestic abuse laws, but shames and threatens women who dare to expose the truth of their abuse, allowing threats of lawsuits for slander and retaliatory attorney fees. Beckman reports that one of her attorneys told her that if she fought the coerced divorce agreement, she’d “end up with a bullet in her head” like a previous divorced woman in the North Shore (Diane Davis of Kenilworth). Attorneys, obligated to report ethical violations of other attorneys and judges, turn a blind eye to even flagrant violations of ethics rules. The media also refuses to respond to the pleas for exposure of the abuse and corruption, unless there is a celebrity angle which would generate increased viewership.

Beckman’s ex-husband’s maneuvers, crafted by attorneys in the judge’s chambers without Beckman’s knowledge or consent, forced her into the secret abyss of those women who are betrayed by their attorneys and utterly disenfranchised by the courts, hurtling down through the gaping holes of governmental and charity “safety nets.”

Before the divorce process began, Beckman’s life as a psychologist and book author led her to media appearances, quotes in national publications, corporate spokesperson appearances in national media tours, and multiple invitations to speak at local and national events. Beckman could pick up the telephone and speak to bank presidents, media producers, and executive directors.

After the divorce process began, as Beckman discovered that laws, (especially those related to domestic abuse and financial parity in assets in a marriage, are meaningless if one does not have access to the deep pocket means to enforce them), her life became increasingly desperate. Cut off from funds to buy food or pay for even necessities, Beckman’s requests for referrals for competent legal assistance from known contacts were apologetically declined and calls to charity and legal assistance organizations were either ignored or denied as ineligible. Beckman’s primary food choices changed from organic, locally grown produce and fresh meat to canned beans, pasta, and items with high fructose corn syrup obtained from a local food pantry or an occasional grocery trip with a friend funding the bill. Her ex-husband, living in a penthouse condominium, still is able to buy his filet mignon, Copper River salmon, Fat Tire beer, and gourmet desserts.

Beckman communicated with other women who’d experienced similar stories: Dr. Jeanne King, author of All But My Soul, as well as others afraid to publish their names she met along the way. These women also shared harrowing tales in their challenges of literal and figurative escape, trying to preserve a life for themselves and their children when their ex-husband had deep pockets of trust funds and other hidden marital monies. These monies were invariably used to purposely destroy the professional and social lives of their wives as well as collaterally destroying the lives of their children. Each time, the destitute woman was told “just move on” as if such a solution were as simple as pulling out a checkbook to buy another car to replace an unreliable clunker. If that woman has $111.95 in her checking account, she can’t even pay for her COBRA insurance, let alone a new car or new life.

 

It has been stated that the first Chicago Mayor Richard Daley, who had asked a potential volunteer, “who sent you,” was told “nobody.” Daley purportedly responded “I don’t want nobody, nobody sent.” Only a person with connections could volunteer and become part of Mayor Daley’s machine. By having her financial and personal connections stolen from her by a vindictive ex-spouse with a sense of (unearned) entitlement, Beckman’s life crashed around her and she became an instant nobody.

However, Beckman’s harrowing experiences have led her to believe that by becoming a nobody, she has gained a unique understanding of what it’s like to navigate this litigious society without the deep pockets to easily prevail. She is using these experiences to develop programs of community-wide “circling of the wagons” to assist those who would contribute and give back to their community and country if only given a chance.

This true story, then, is about Beckman’s attempts to remain loyal to her beliefs of “pay it forward” while fighting the systematic injustice that is destroying her family and communities across our country.

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[1] About Dr. Beckman

Dr. Jeanne Beckman is a clinical & developmental psychologist in private practice in Winnetka and Northfield, Illinois. She has had extensive experience working with young children through adulthood as well as families. She utilizes a practical, problem-solving approach to helping people of all ages feel motivated and able to make necessary changes.

Dr. Beckman provides consultations to schools, various-sized organizations, and groups. She provides enthusiastic seminars training, and lectures to professionals and non-professionals alike.

Dr. Beckman has written a book entitled Tech Psychologist’s Guide to Technology and Access Tools as well as numerous articles about children, adults, families and parenting,

Dr. Beckman is a member of the New Trier Township Committee on Disabilities, an advisory board member for Harkness House for Children since 1998 (a day care center); and is an advisory board member of the Winnetka Alliance for Early Childhood (board member from 1994-2007). She is also a member (since 1988), recent board member, and current literacy chair of the Rotary Club of Winnetka-Northfield as well as a member of the literacy committee of Rotary district 6440

Judicial discretion, law enforcement decisions as threats to national security

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Note: correction regarding Thomas’ previous experience

Today, the ACLU of Illinois (@ACLUofIL) responded to a tweet asking whether it is fair to put someone on death row if you’re not sure they’re guilty. The obvious answer to any reasonable person is “No.”  However, SCOTUS Clarence Thomas, reportedly formerly hailing from Georgia, recently ruled that Troy Davis should be put to death despite substantial credible evidence that the only evidence linking him to the crime, eyewitness testimony of nine individuals, may have been tainted by law enforcement/prosecutorial misconduct. Of those nine eye witnesses, reportedly seven of them stated that they were coerced by police to testify against Davis, and they have since recanted their testimony.

Prosecutorial and police coercion is nothing new. But contrast the ultimate outcome of Troy Davis’ case (death by lethal injection) with that of the Duke lacrosse players who were indicted by a corrupt prosecutor for allegedly raping a party dancer. Because these Duke students had parents who could afford all the resources of private, effective legal counsel, the prosecutor’s misconduct was exposed. Regardless, the lives of these college students have been forever changed, even though they were not convicted nor sentenced to prison. And what was the punishment of the prosecutor? Judicial discretion ruled the prosecutor should receive a slap on the wrist. In my opinion, he should be charged with a felony crime, and sentenced to prison for the number of years a convicted rapist would have served.

John Burge was a police officer in the Chicago police department who brutally tortured many suspects into confessions, some tortures of which resulted in innocent people being sentenced to death row. An innocence project successfully exonerated many of these people, but not before some of them had spent more than 15 years in prison. Their lives and the lives of their families, no matter what financial compensation is provided, are forever ruined. It is alleged that many influential people knew that this torture was occurring, yet it was allowed to continue.

Due to statute of limitations, Burge cannot be tried for his torture. It is my belief that federal laws need to be changed so that for every day an individual who was knowingly denied adequate due process,  remains in prison,  the time clock restarts for law enforcement, prosecutors, and the judiciary.

So, why don’t reasonable attorneys and judges report the corruption, as their attorney ethics rules require? One only has to look at how life forever changed once the Bush & Cheney administration got away with “Plamegate.”  Valerie Plame’s husband, Joseph Wilson, reported information discrediting Bush’s administration claims regarding their rationale for invading Iraq. In essence, Wilson became a whistleblower. While there have been other whistleblowers who have been attacked, fired, indicted, and/or incarcerated for trumped-up crimes, Plame’s very public outing (a significant crime in itself) became an example of what might happen if someone dared to report corruption.

Even those brave souls who do persevere to report suspicious activities, as did agents reporting odd flight school behavior prior to 9/11, are often ignored. As 9/11 clearly indicates, ignoring reports of suspicious activity and/or corruption can ruin the lives of people even beyond indicted suspects.

If honest people take heed of “Plamegate” and are afraid for their lives, their family lives, and their livelihood if they report corruption, then our national security, the future of our country, is at great risk.

In my layman’s view, judicial discretion has allowed judges to ignore probable corruption, law enforcement & attorney misconduct, and other threats to equitable justice. When a Supreme Court justice, who has the appearance of answering to no one, ignores outcries from legal scholars, Nobel prize laureates, and well respected international leaders and essentially expedites the death of a person denied equitable access to due process, then our entire national security is at far, far greater risk than from carrying 4 ounces of shampoo in carry-on luggage. We need to have a system of anonymous reporting such as wikileaks to facilitate the reporting and full investigation of crimes and corruption.

In a recent SunTimes article (http://bit.ly/pFrkCl), U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald stated that if people fail to report corruption, they are part of the problem. Surely he must know that many of us have ignored these risks and repeatedly attempted to report corruption to local police, states attorneys,  the FBI, yet have been repeatedly rebuffed. Mr. Fitzgerald, where do you want us to report this corruption, and how are you going to protect us from retaliation?

There are many “regular” people in this country who have been brave enough to report corruption, yet are routinely ignored or have their lives ruined by retaliation. In essence, these people are “nobodies” in the eyes of the entire legal system as well as the mainstream media. One such group of “regular” people is constituted of victims of domestic violence.

October is domestic violence month. For this month, I will be blogging about the devastating effects on women and their families who attempt to navigate the law enforcement and legal system in breaking free from domestic abuse.

I have been told that I am known as an “undocumented victim of domestic violence.” I am undocumented because my divorce judge vacated an Order of Protection granted in another court, and despite my pleas to attorneys, law enforcement, and states attorney, I am unable to obtain legal protection from the ongoing, unbearable attacks from my ex-husband and his attorneys. The more I plead to law enforcement and that same judge to help me as I struggled to break free from my abusive Ex husband, the more retaliation, the more corruption in the legal system has occurred. I am repeatedly told that it’s all up to my same judge, as he is the one who gets to decide whether he has been fair in allocating essentially the entirety of assets to my Ex-husband.

The whole process reminds me of the advice given to victims of rape, who are told not to fight back as the rape is occurring so they won’t suffer greater physical injuries, and then are accused of having consensual sex because they don’t have injuries to prove they were raped.

As I have attempted to survive an escape from the ongoing prison of domestic violence, I have become a nobody in the eyes of the legal and judicial system. And so, on this blog and in my upcoming second book, I will document my fall from the middle class, my “Becoming Nobody.”

Dear Ms Palin, From One Mother to Another

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Dear Ms Palin

I weathered Mother’s day alone, even though I have 3 young adults sons. The one who is farthest away, at college in Vermont, actually called me and wished me a happy Mother’s Day.

They say that a family is only as happy as the least happy child. As adult children of recently divorced parents, my kids are in a heap of hurt right now. And as a mother, you must know that it’s always the mom’s fault, no matter what the problem. Sometimes we can “make it all better” and sometimes we cannot. As mothers, we feel powerless and distressed when we cannot take away our children’s pain.

In our current political climate, however, the entirety of the country’s problems seems to be attributable to women and their “inability” and “unwillingness” to take full responsibility for  their seductive fecundity. What kind of legacy are we leaving for our children if we allow bullies to disparage women, to force women to relinquish their Constitutional rights to privacy, to relinquish their ability to control their own destinies?

Since I had so much time alone on Mother’s day, I had lots of time to fret about the legacy GOP leaders are  leaving behind for our children as they grow.  Mountains of debt, foreclosed homes, educations hijacked by politics, shredded safety nets and political disenfranchisement. Every family one major illness away from financial ruin.

As mothers, it is our job to defend our children’s futures at the same time we need to teach our children to be “good” people, even in the face of adversity.

In my own situation, as an undocumented victim of domestic violence, financially destitute due to my Ex’s secret divorce court maneuvers, it is my hope that my legacy is to model the power of mid-course corrections. That is, my legacy will be that my sons observe that I refuse to cave in to bullies, no matter how hard these bullies try to paint me into corners. In the past year, my Ex’s attorneys used the Court to order my incarceration for contumacious failure to pay bills with non-existent funds, I am threatened by collection agents for failing to pay bills belonging to my ex-husband, and now threatened by foreclosure because my ex-husband doesn’t believe he should have to pay the property taxes he swore by affidavit he had been paying. After essentially destroying my private practice, he took  the entirety of the retirement accounts, so that when I reach retirement age in less than 5 years, I’ll probably have to rely solely on my Ex’s social security, if the GOP hasn’t taken it away by then. I may become homeless this year, but I will still not cave in to his threats.

Even though I did not have the good fortune to have daughters, I believe it is important for my sons to learn that they must treat their wives and girlfriends with honesty, integrity, and respect. While I made the decision to stay in an abusive marriage until my youngest was 18 in order to avoid the financial destitution that my Ex had promised if I left, I regret now that that decision allowed my sons to see a twisted model of how to treat women. My sons do not want to hear my explanation or apologies for that decision, as they have been led to believe that the only problem that exists after a 26 year marriage is that I am a disturbed woman who will not  just “move on.”

Even though my children do not want to hear it, I’ve attempted to apologize for waiting so long to leave the abuse. I will continue to love them at the same time I will not allow them to treat me badly, because I wish to model that women must refuse to be bullied, that they must stand up for what is right, even though they may stand alone.

I imagine for you, since you are now a grandmother and voluntarily unemployed from elected office, you have also had time to reflect on the role model you’ve provided over the past couple of years, as well as your legacy you’re providing for your children and grandchildren, both for the time you have left on this earth as well as for after you die.

Even though I have three college degrees, I’ve not had the good fortune to study comparative religions, although it’s on my bucket list. However, I believe that most religions stress the values of honesty, integrity, living the golden rule, and owning up to our own behavior, even when it is uncomfortable to do so. Since you have daughters, I would hope that you’ve taught them that they must demand to be treated honestly, with respect, and with all of the Constitutional protections of any other man or woman of this great country.

You are in the difficult situation of having had a very public forum for your moral leadership for your children. Therefore, I hope that if you’ve engaged in bullying, name-calling, bigotry, and/or dishonesty, that you will use the same forum to own up for any behaviors that have facilitated bigotry and/or that deviates from the moral path that you’d want your children to follow.

From one mother to another, Ms Palin, I’d advise you to own up, sooner rather than later.  Since you may have engaged in bullying behavior in public, your moral leadership would dictate that you need to own up to it in public also.

There are several phrases that you probably taught your children, such as “you need to share,” “pick on someone your own size,” “If Glenn jumped off a cliff, would you?” “you should know better.” “never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.”  “Be the change you want to see (Gandhi).” You also know, as a mother, that “do as I say and not as I do” doesn’t work. Our children learn from what they observe.

In guiding both your daughters and sons, remember that many people you and they meet in life will appear earnest and make lavish promises of regal futures together when they want something, but you must beware of wolves in sheep’s clothing. If they wine you, and dine you, they’re treating you like a whore if they mock you and brag in the locker room how gullible you are. Such relationships never turn out well. You cannot negotiate with bullies.

Oh yeah, another piece of advice, from one mother to another is to make certain your children learn that saying you’re sorry doesn’t count if you don’t mean it. If you repeat the behavior after you’ve apologized, not only does your apology not count, but you’re both a liar and a bully since you didn’t mean it.

Dr. Jeanne Beckman

www.JeanneBeckman.com

Divorce as a metaphor

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Scorched earth divorces, as discussed in Karen Winner’s book, Divorced from Justice, start out by the spouse with deep pockets (SDP) and cutthroat attorneys cutting off the innocent spouse from any financial support. Then, SDP’s attorneys throw every stalling tactic, legal (and not so legal) maneuver, and obfuscation at the innocent spouse. As her attorneys fend off the various maneuvers, her legal team runs out of funds.

While on paper, there are protections in place to protect the innocent spouse, the reality is quite different. Attorney Penelope Bryant wrote about coercion (see http://tinyurl.com/4t8pjbc) and the long-lasting, devastating effects on the spouse and her children.

I have been told that I should describe myself as an undocumented victim of domestic violence. Undocumented because like many others, my divorce court has routinely denied enforcement of domestic violence laws since my abuser is the one with deep pockets. So, even though I’ve attempted to just move on with my life after 26 years of marriage, my Ex has repeatedly used the court to deny me my rights to my share in the assets from the marriage at the same time he’s forcing me to take his extortion debt, take his lavish vacation debt (think Bonaire, Islemorada, and Vail) and debt taken to hide his asset-hiding.

As I am struggling to fight back against my Ex, who took the entirety of the retirement assets, dissipated the value of the marital home by over $200k, and has tried to incarcerate me on several occasions for failure to pay utility bills in the dissipated house (think holes in the roof, kicked in doors, and broken boiler) even though I am financially destitute due to his court maneuvers, I can’t help but think about how these scorched earth divorce tactics are similar to the seizing of assets and power by political bullies, most recently the GOP in Wisconsin and other states in control of the GOP.

As I struggle to fight total financial devastation and probable homelessness, my personal Patronus (think Harry Potter) is to channel Luke Skywalker trying to shoot the death star, in the first Star Wars movie. As he is being shot at by the Evil Empire’s fighters,  Luke channels the Force as Obi-Wan Kenobi implores him to focus using the force, to shut out the distractions as he focuses on the target he must take out in order to save humankind.

As citizens are attempting to fight against the takeover of our country by corporations (think Wisconsin and the Koch brothers), I think about the similarities between scorched earth divorces and the disenfranchisement of our workers, families, communities, and country.

First, the corporates took away many of our rights when they changed bankruptcy laws, allowing credit card companies (think Bank of America) to charge loan shark credit card rates and policies, then they reduced funding to such an extent to legal assistance programs that those programs still remaining had few resources to make a difference.  The corporates bought out SCOTUS (think Bush v Gore), are trying to control access to the Internet, and ignore open meetings acts, and have used the government for unfettered attacks on whistleblowers.

They want us to believe that we have no option but to comply. Therefore, we must figure out ways to fly under the radar and cover the backs of those who still have resources to fight  peaceful yet effective battles.

In order to survive, to preserve any shred of decency and life, we must prioritize and focus, yet decentralize our peaceful attacks. We need hundreds of wikileak-type sites. While we decentralize, we need to find ways to share resources to enforce ethical laws and practices.

More later… I have to get back to  fighting my own legal battles. I am still not out of the woods in my own divorce. My Ex continues to stall, obfuscate, submit frivolous motions with perjured affidavits and has so far prevailed in the court system.

In the meantime, even if you feel you have no energy to fight these battles for common decency, talk to your neighbors and find ways to pool and stretch your energies. Our children are relying on us.

RFP for national history, civics curriculum

V0cabulary & Civics Quiz:

1. RFP is an abbreviation for ______________
2. Define Plutocracy ____________________
3. Define Oligarchy _____________________
4. Define Democracy  ____________________
5. Define Republic ______________________
6. Define Judicial Bias ____________________
7. Discuss taxation without representation _______________
8. In 1773, the Tea Party took place in what city?
9. Explain why the colonists dumped the tea.
10. Who introduced the United States Bill of Rights?
11. True or false: Home schooled children are required to use history textbooks that are properly vetted  by historical scholars for accurate and unbiased representation
12. True or False: Separation of Church and State appears in the body of the Constitution.
13. Recite the FULL text of the 1st Amendment of the United States

Public school education has devolved from the days of instilling the  moral obligations of citizenship in all students. Thanks to the media, our communities are full of Darth Vaders and Bart Simpsons, who kill anyone who stands in the way of their bullying, who cheat in school, who talk back to their elders, who victimize women and others who cannot fight for themselves, and who lack the community cohesiveness to fight back when the oligarchy takes everything and then kicks the plundered victims into the street.

Political bullies only seem to follow the law when it serves their plutocratic and oligarchic purposes.  Political bullies use their deep pockets to punish the victims while lining the pockets of the plutocracy.

Many schools now require anti-bullying curricula to be taught to the students. However, this curriculum is forcing the victims of bullying to submit to mind-numbing lessons in lieu of vetted history and civics lessons. The real school bullies are the administrators who use the deep pockets of the taxpayers to deny due process of students who are subjected to biased and failed curricula and who  refuse to provide teachers with the necessary supports to “teach to the child” instead of “teaching to the test.” The real bullies are  the politicians who claim to be helping public schools by substituting “teach to the mind-numbing tests” by eliminating true history and civic lessons.

In Madison, Wisconsin, a democratic movement has been reborn. A movement where common decency, community building, and democratic voices are raised to state that public officials will be removed if they violate the constitutional protections of this great country.

The question now is how we hold these public officials accountable while saving our communities. Here are some of my ideas:

1. RFP: (Requests for proposals) for building citizen oversight committees at all levels of government
2. RFP for creating an unbiased, research validated national curriculum regarding the teaching of reading, world history, U.S. history, and Civics education.
3. RFP for the research regarding the necessity of unbiased teaching of the arts
4. RFP for achieving full transparency in all levels of law-making (via  wikileaks type postings) is a necessity. No more backroom deals.
5. REAL, immediate protections for whistleblowers.
6. No statute of limitations for those who falsely imprison or abuse individuals
7. No secret consent decrees for those who violate laws
8. A national open meetings act where lobbyists  can only meet with public officials in public meetings.
9. Financial and legal sanctions against those who knowingly promote legislation that violates the Constitutional protections of equal protection.

In the book, Better Together, Putnam discusses ways in which communities can rebuild their individual communities rather than have a structure imposed upon them.

What have you done to rebuild your community today? Help community members to take what they need and give what they can.

Killing our communities, one family at a time

Domestic abuse is often viewed as a private affair that should be dealt with discretely. However, without public scrutiny, domestic abuse festers like a cancer, metastasizing to take over families and communities. My greatest sadness in failing to publicly expose the years of financial abuse and the years of extreme emotional abuse was that my sons must now struggle with learning that the norm in relationships is not what they saw and heard while growing up. They must learn that the black eye/bruised orbit, broken nose/gash (12 stitches), broken finger, and torn rotator cuff/ruptured bicep that  I experienced while “cleaning up” my Ex’s damage/messes in the house only happened, were only “accidents”  because of his cruelty. He knew enough to avoid going to a high school reunion with me when I had my black eye, because he was afraid of public scrutiny.

Oh, but he wasn’t afraid of public scrutiny when he could use it to facilitate his abuse. On multiple occasions, he used the police to threaten to arrest me after he locked me out of my own house and home office. He used the courts to file  false affidavits, claiming I was abusing him and that I had dissipated funds to hide his own abuse and dissipation.

How did he get away with this in divorce court? First, he cut off all of my access to funds, including monies to pay an attorney. Then, he shut down my ability to run my practice. He used the courts to stall providing my attorneys with “level playing field” monies, until my attorneys would give up and quit. He never produced the discovery that indicated the monies he hid, the monies he dissipated, and the size of the retirement accounts. Since evil hates the light of day, he got away with all of this because his attorneys did his dirty work behind closed doors, in the judge’s chambers, so that I could not protest the lies they perpetrated.

Our country’s Constitution has protections requiring one’s right to confront one’s accuser as well as equal protections. Evidently, due to a wide latitude of judicial discretion, our society’s gender bias allows fraud to be perpetrated behind the closed chamber doors of divorce court.

How could he get away with saying I “refused to work” when I’d filed a schedule C profit and loss statement for my private practice every year for over 20 years? How could he get away with claiming I did not contribute to the family when I always paid for the private nanny/housekeeper for our kids, instead of investing in a retirement account for myself?

Because I failed to leave soon enough, his indirect physical abuse began escalating to direct shoving & threatened strangling (i.e. hands on neck, but no actual bruises to prove it), and his financial abuse escalated from withholding funds to using the courts to take the entirety of retirement assets after 26 years of marriage (including my own tiny non-marital IRA, which I had carefully kept segregated from marital funds).

Domestic abuse does not just affect the woman. Domestic abuse produces a twisted legacy, passed on to the generations. It is easy to say a woman should “just leave.” Especially if the woman still has young children, the courts will force her to continue to expose her children to the abuser (but probably without her being present to protect them). Especially if there are young children,  if the choice involved in  “just leaving”  means staying in an abusive house (with access to food, clothing, and transportation) or homelessness and destitution, then it is really no choice at all.

If someone you know is escaping domestic abuse, please help her in any way you can. 70% of women who are murdered by their domestic abusers are murdered after they have left.

If you know of corruption in the courthouse, are there ways you can get documents to investigators? Lawyers and judges are ethically bound to report the fraud of  attorneys and judges.  As long as fraud and corruption remains hidden, it will continue to kill our communities, one family at a time.

Imagine no more killing

It is time for our country to gather together and grieve for ALL of those who have died senselessly, not just those in Arizona. It is also time for our country to speak up about the insensitive comments made by a vocal, narcissistic minority.

We need to speak up about all of the disrespect.  We need to say we will not tolerate any disrespect of mourners at the grave sites or elsewhere. We need to say we will not tolerate the political rhetoric and profiteering from tragedy.

Imagine there’s no countries
It isn’t hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

From Imagine, by John Lennon

How many years ago did John Lennon die by lethal gunshot wounds from a handgun-wielding mentally unstable person who had the Constitutional Right to bear arms? Lennon left behind a wife, young and growing children, and others who still have huge holes in their hearts from their loss. Why has our country still not learned?

Truly successful leaders realize that, along with the perks of fame and/or fortune, comes tremendous responsibilities. If you know you have a media presence, you should also know that you must be especially careful what you say, because your  words have more credence due to your fame and stature.

Imagine nothing to kill or die for:
Imagine if Sara Palin’s first media contact after the Arizona murders, that instead of blaming others for how they may have interpreted her words, instead of defending her first and second amendment rights, said, “I’m so sorry for your [Arizona families] losses. I had no idea my words could possibly have such a devastating impact on others. From this day forward, my staff and I will strive to speak of inclusion and cooperation, so that we can rebuild all of our communities to strengthen our splintered nation into a unified whole.

Imagine all the people living life in peace:
Imagine if the corporate CEO of Walmart stated that every one of their stores and every one of their warehouses was immediately pulling every semiautomatic rifle, every handgun, every magazine clip, and related materials from every US store because they no longer wanted to be party to the very real destruction of families and communities. Imagine Walmart recalling every gun they’ve already sold, and melting every single gun so that they cannot kill another human being.

No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

Imagine the advertisers on television networks demanding respectful speech and leadership from every TV pundit and anchor. Knowing that displaying the likeness or retelling the story of a murderer’s rantings, writings, and Facebook information on TV actually feeds the fantasies and reduces inhibitions of other potential murderers, imagine the advertisers demanding that the networks instead feature the lives of the victims, as well as assist in the rebuilding of the communities affected by the losses.

Imagine Congress telling the NRA that it is time for them to pack up and go home, to get a life, to volunteer in their communities and rebuild what they have destroyed.

Don’t know how to start the vision? Reach out to your neighbor…

You may say that I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will live as one